Monday, August 10, 2009

A little sniffle, a little cough, and a heart full of praise

I'm feeling so much better today! I still have a little sniffle and a mild cough but the head congestion is gone, I have not vomited for days, and I am back to being mainly continent. I would put myself at 85 to 90% functioning human. And my heart is bursting with praise! God is so good!

The hardest part of this illness was the reaction I had to my medicine. I was prescribed Sudafed and a cough syrup with codeine. Apparently I have the special brain that doesn't get drowsy from codeine. It gets anxious and jittery. And sudafed is supposed to be non-drowsy, too so I was getting a double whammy of hyper mind reeling. It took a couple tries (all under the supervision of my doctors and pharmacist) to get the dosing right so that I could experience relief from my symptoms but not feel like I was losing my mind. It was scary and dark.

I've never experienced anxiety attacks before. I would feel like the walls were closing in on me. I couldn't breathe. My mind would race and all I could think was that I was trapped and I needed to get out. I would race for the windows and claw the shades up just to see that there really was such a thing as "outside." I would open the front or back door and just stand in the doorway crying, praying, calling out to God to save me from my own mind. He pulled me out every single time. And Geary was an anchor, too. I didn't have to explain to him, he just knew when to hold me, when to take me outside and walk me around the backyard. He would scratch my back gently and talk to me in a soothing voice. And best of all he prayed for me. He said what my panicked mind could not, "Give her peace. Help her relax. Make it stop."

So many days I waited, praying for healing, crying for relief. Last night I went to bed praying for peace of mind and that I would sleep well until morning light. I kept having the same dream. It was like I was floating in space with all these swirls of stars. I could hear my voice praying, asking God to save me, to heal me, to calm my mind, to just take it all away so I could be a normal person again. I started praising him, thanking him for his goodness and love in my life. I remembered the amazing things he has done (and is doing) in my family. And then it was like the picture zoomed out. And there were more swirls of stars, in layers. And each one was a different voice, also praying and praising. Some voices were praying for me! All the voices blended together and made one beautiful song. A lullaby that I sank into and rested in.

I woke up twice to use the bathroom (more pregnancy/get this baby off my bladder than anything) and both times the lullaby was right there waiting for me when I returned to bed. I drifted back to sleep easily and slept deeply until the sun woke me up through the open windows. When I sat up there was no more ringing in my ears. My head did not feel like a bowling ball. I could take a deep breath without coughing. I jumped up and looked in the mirror, my eyes were bright and not glassy. And I cried again, "Thank you! You heard me! I am better! You are good! You are great!"

I know I still probably have a few more days of coughing and nose wiping but I feel absolutely giddy at the thought that I can be a functioning human again. I can clean my house and feed my children and go outside because I want to not because I have to. And I can tell you about my God and how he walked with me through this valley, holding me all the way. I can declare his praises and tell of all the wonderful things he has done.

I waited patiently for the LORD;
He turned to me and heard my cry
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and the mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them
they would be too many to declare.


  1. Wow, you have way more fun on codeine than I do. It just makes me vomit my toenails out of my mouth.

    And to think, some people pay money for recreational drugs.

    I'm so glad to hear you're doing better. I am, too! I pray we can both make it to delivery now without any more unintended hospital trips.

  2. Yay! I'm so so so so so glad you're feeling better. Have been thinking lots about you. Hugs!

  3. As I was reading your note... I had to stop and check the blog to make sure I wasn't reading something I had written because what you described was SOOOO much like what my past month has been like. I so understand and have been praying for you... I just loved your dream and how God really met you there! I am so glad we have a big God... I wouldn't have surived this last month if I had not been able to go into the bathroom and just cry out to Him.... I am so thankful He hears us! I love you and am so glad you are feeling better!

  4. So glad that you're feeling better!


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