Evil Bitter Jeana thinks things like:
- Every future positive pregnancy test is just another baby I have to flush down the toilet.
- Don't tell me to "let you love me." I already am. If I wanted to reject your love, I wouldn't have told you what was going on.
- Who cares if it probably meant something was wrong with the baby. Nothing was wrong with my hopes or dreams and those are dead, too.
But Child of God Jeana thinks things like:
- I will choose to praise God anyway. He gives and takes away, blessed be his name.
- God doesn't owe me anything.
- If I feel this bad, I can't even imagine how broken God's heart must be.
- My pain is not the only pain in the world.
- Someday I'll know why...someday.
- I can't wait to know the jewel that is wrapped in this piece of manure.
I like Child of God Jeana so much better. Please pray that I will be Child of God. That my hurt will only make me merciful and not resentful. That my frustration will only make me patient and not bitter. That my disappointment will only make me gracious and not critical. Please help Evil Bitter Jeana go away.
Can I say that I like the Child of God Jeana better?
ReplyDeletePS. check out my blog...
*wanting to say something, but not having a clue as to what to say*
ReplyDeleteDamn. Both Jeana's are completely understandable. I'll pray that the CoG Jeana wins out.
I love both Jeana's a ton....amy
ReplyDeleteI love both Jeanas and I don't want EB Jeana to go away. She is raw, bitter, very real and honest before God. That broken EB Jeana will rise out of these shattered broken dreams to have God create dreams of unbelievable joy! I pray for you, Jeana, the journey of Naomi. And I can't wait to know the jewel that is wrapped in this piece of[I'll go ahead and say it]shit, too!
ReplyDeleteThe Mother-in-Law who is proud to call you daughter.
I would like to share something with you from a life-changing book I have been reading through ("The Allure of Hope" by Jan Meyers).
ReplyDelete..."Soon I realized I was hearing the sound of a group of women wailing... a birth was occurring, and the wails were coming not just from one woman but from a gathering of them... the way of life in Africa- entering into another's pain and joy.... Wailing is a common occurrence during birth and death. The beauty of the wail comes from a deep sense that says, "We are suffering together. We are a bloody, hot, sticky mess, but we will get through this. As we enter the chaos, we have a deep sense that it really will all end sometime. That is our hope."
Jeana, I choose to suffer wtih you.
Thank you all so much. I am like Moses, too tired to win this battle on my own. What would I do without all of you to hold my arms up? Your words, and your silence, have been perfect encouragement.
ReplyDeleteMel, I am honored to be in this bloody, sticky, mess of life and death with you. Thank you for sharing in my suffering. I will have to get my hands on that book.