The Last Thing...for now...

I know it will seem like I "got over it" really fast and I don't expect you to believe me, but I honestly feel okay about what happened. There has been a lot of tears and a lot of prayers, but today I feel renewed. I have hope and I have resolve. I know that Evil Bitter is real right now, but if I choose to let her live and not die to myself...I will forsake my true nature. My true nature is the Child of God...The Child of God who has been in this same pit twice before. I have seen that God is good at the bottom. I have experienced his peace, joy, comfort, and hope. And so I know it's there. And I want it. And I refuse to fight against it just because it feels good to be a brat for a while.

Some people are praying the journey of Naomi for me...She lost her husband and sons in a foreign land. She literally had nothing and she was bitter...bitter to the point of asking to be called Mara instead of her real name. Naomi had every right to be bitter, no one could blame her. But did she ever find hope? The story doesn't say...I hope she did.

Well, you know what? I've taken the journey of Naomi...twice. And now I'm ready to take the journey of Ruth. Ruth lost her husband and father-in-law and brother-in-law. She had every right to be as bitter as Naomi...but she chose to give up even more. She gave up her sister-in-law, her homeland, her culture, her gods...just so she could travel with bitter old Naomi. Ruth had hope. Ruth had virtue. Ruth was obedient. Ruth trusted that there was hope. Ruth met joy. Ruth behaved as a child of God.

So pray the journey of Ruth of me. This dream is shattered...but I have so many more dreams. And one dream has been fulfilled already. After my last miscarriage, I dreamed of the day when my faith would be unshakable. Where I would meet a crisis by reaching up for my Father's hand and walking across the pit. Experiencing all the realities of the pit, but not dwelling there. I will be like Ruth. I will walk across that deserted valley into the land where there is hope, joy, and new life.

This is not to say that I don't need or want your support. In fact, I need and want it more than ever. You have shared in my suffering, now share LIFE with me! Point out the wonder and beauty and strength of our God. Tell me the stories of triumph over darkness and death. Teach me to rejoice and as we move out of wailing together, let us laugh until our bellies are sore with joy and hope.